Learning How to Embrace Fear & Make Courageous Choices

I was on a call with a colleague (full transparency, I also have a 9-5) with Chris, our Director of Training & Education, last week covering how to deal with fear in sales/selling. He happens to be an interesting character because from the outside he exudes confidence, charm, ability, discipline and never fails to make you feel like you're the only person in the world he would like give his full attention to. And he is all things! However, he faces everyday with the struggle of OCD. He'll be the first one to tell you he has real OCD and not in the cute way media seems to make it out to be - his reality is a grueling mental war that his brain wages against him every. single. day. 

Why I bring this up is because, he has to deal with his fears regardless of whether he wants to or not - and all those outward skills and abilities he exudes are true because he works on them more than anyone would ever know. So, if anyone can speak honestly about dealing with fear, there isn't a more qualified candidate. 

Bottomline is we all live with fears, to the point that it (can) cripple us. The context of this call was around the fear of being told, no. Such a tiny word, for how much impact it can have. 

Chris kicked off the conversation by saying, "In dealing with fear - you have to live with the fear. Don't try to push it away, but live with it and focus on the goal you're trying to achieve." AKA exposure therapy. There are tricks out there to give you micro-doses of exposure therapy so that you're more comfortable with being told no (assuming that is something you struggle with), like when you're out and shopping ask for discounts. At Starbucks? Ask for 10% off your coffee. At the store? Ask if there is a discount that could be applied to your purchases? Buying something on-line? Ask customer service if they have a promo code to apply to your order. It's a low-risk way to get more comfortable pushing the edge of your own comfort zone. 

I argue that as the parent to a toddler - they say 'no' all day long, so just hang out with a tiny person for any length of time and you quickly become more desensitized to the word. But he also laid out the framework for not just sitting in fear but how to leverage it and practice making your own asks.

Chris's framework in 5 steps:

1. Find the common ground: Both parties want something, that's why there is dialog around the topic to begin with. Figure out what the basic motivations are for the situation you're in. 
2. Determine the victory conditions: It's been said before, but if you don't know where you're going, you don't know how to get there... Chris took this one step further by expressing that the more clearly you can articulate the path, the easier the path is. Know what is realistic, and what would be a stretch, but the dream scenario. 
3. The funnel of communication: You can't just jump right into the ask (usually) - that's the bottom of the funnel. You have to work your way through the funnel and the best place to start is at the top (layout the common ground), make your way to the middle (clarify the path by addressing any pain points), lead to the end goal by making the ask. 
4. Make the ask then - shut up: Silence can have an outsized perception, but it's not usually the case. You have to give the other party an opportunity to ingest what you've just asked and they can't do that with you talking over your request that is being internally processed. 
5. Get as close to the goal as possible: Didn't get what you want? Sit with that and don't be afraid to get creative on getting as close to your goal as possible. 

So, how do this framework for sales apply to you? Because life is nothing but a series of choices.

My favorite quote is "life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." And the absence of courage is not fear, but rather as Nelson Mandela said "Courage is a choice that we can make over fear."

I want you to have the tools to make the courageous choice.

Next time you find yourself shying away from a fear that you're facing, step into the mindset of "what does it look like to make the courageous choice?" Especially, if you're worried about getting 'no' as your feedback ;).