Deciding - What Is Enough?

When a client uses the word 'un-satisfied' I hear this - your perception of how something should be, does not match what your reality is. 

There is a simple way to bridge this gap - deciding what is enough. 

Now, I said simple. I did not say easy... level setting expectations or re-setting your expectations is not easy. Especially, when that thing is something that you're expending energy towards. As parents, we have even less energy and time to dicker around and so I tend to believe that as we gravitate towards the things that are actually important to us in parenthood, shifting our perceptions is even more difficult. When I say decide what is enough, I want you to think about a time where you were not satisfied with something - an event, activity, day, task, etc. And I want you to look critically at why you felt unsatisfied. Was it because you didn't set clear expectations around (insert thing here) in the first place? 

Here's a great example that I feel is very relatable; Sunday evening rolls around and you sit down to dinner realizing that no, you didn't get even the tiniest amount of things done that you were hoping to get to over the weekend. That list that was living in your head that you had every good intention of getting to, but x, y, and z popped up unexpectedly... and none of it got done. You're grumpy, you're no longer present with your family and you go to bed disgruntled. 

I'm going to ask the terribly uncomfortable question - How much of that list was communicated to your partner/family/spouse/friends? Before they unintentionally de-railed you from getting things done? 

In my life, I have (now) two kiddos and a husband that also works full time, so needless to say - my weekend time is precious. And I want to walk into Sunday evening feeling rested, relaxed, and satisfied, BUT that wouldn't be happening if on Friday's I didn't check-in with my husband asking the key question, "What do you want to see happen this weekend?" AKA What is Enough? 

This check-in with my spouse allows both of us to communicate exactly what is important to both of us, share what commitments we actually have on deck and shape our weekends to see that we get closer to that goal of spending our time thoughtfully, rather than reactively. I am not an advocate of having every single minute planned out (I love lazy free time too!), but that we hold space for not only what is important to those closest to us, but also to ourselves. This also opens the dialog for what is the minimum necessary requirement(s) to achieve your ultimate goal.

Here's an example of this in action - 

You found an epic bread recipe that you want to try out this weekend! Awesome! But you have 1 kid sports activity, another afternoon kid party and you're meeting your in-laws (amongst your piled up laundry, mail and the emails you promised your boss you would get to before Monday). To achieve your delicious bread recipe, you still need to hit the store, it requires multiple steps over a few hour spread, so you'll need to be home during that time... So, what if we ask ourselves "what is enough" at this point?

1) We could gather all the ingredients all the ingredients over next week, and designate the time in advance.
2) You could divide and conquer - your spouse takes the sports activity to free you up to try your recipe. 
3) You could re-schedule or drop things that you don't want to do - cancel on the party, or re-schedule with the in-laws. 

This may seem like a laughable thing to work through, but the truth is - we are pushing through busy weeks and our free time can quickly become the thing that gets put onto the back burner, to our own detriments.

So, next time you find yourself unsatisfied with the end result - pause. Ask yourself that if you could do it over, what would be enough? Sometimes all it takes is a moment to actually realize what 'enough' is to set our intentions on the right path.